Harry Potter 5 Review [written 2007]

Back when Daniel Radcliffe's voice hadn't broken, Harry Potter meant just a book. Nowadays it means videogames, stamp collections and chess sets amongst other equally pointless cash-in products. However with the new film - Harry Potter and the Order Of The Phoenix - the films certainly don't feel part of the family franchise.

Trying to keep up with the books, the films have always been lagging behind and with the seventh book on imminent release some skeptics have branded "Order" as a prelude to the main event. At 766 pages, the fifth book is like a large appetizer to the main course, and certainly gives producer David Yates a lot on his plate to work with. The movie to many will be a "brief" (138 minutes) refresh of the fifth installment whilst others will see it as the "slacker-approach" to knowing everyone's favorite wizarding celebrity turned teenage emotional adolescent.

"Order" itself distinguishes that Harry Potter (Radcliffe) isn't all about Quidditch and Wizard's Chess like in its predecessors, but instead brings much darker overtones. Starting with a dementor attack, Yates doesn't hold back on the mediocre violence, childish swearing or adolescent romance that ensues. The 12A certificate feels hard earned yet being a film aimed at children its also a secret delight to the younger adults.

Nevertheless the film still draws parallels with real-life and though there is less of a focus upon taking O.W.L.'s (wizarding GCSE's to muggles), there is much more of a focus on extra curricular activities. In fact with the main problem coming from new headmistress Dolores Umbridge (Imelda Staunton) who along with the Ministry Of Magic is ready to apply their fascist regime, the movie is able to conjure all sorts of stories delicately inter-twined with each other.

In fact with every scene left to the crème of British acting - Alan Rickman, Michael Gambon, Gary Oldman, Emma Thompson and Robbie Coltrane all return to their familiar roles - there is definitely strength in depth. Rickman especially plays Snape with the cold heartedness expected of a character perhaps as evil as Lord Voldermort himself. Moreover Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) are able to bring a bit of light-hearted relief via a combination of brains and inanity. Additionally with new recruits including the insane Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix LeStrange the cast is growing bigger and bigger for the final two films.

The film itself is a joy to watch whether you have read the book or not. Not only has "Order" marked Harry Potter as not just a very good read but a very good film as well. Entertaining, dark and mysterious the film is more than just an appetizer but more like a second helping of the main course.

Ocean's 13 [written 2007]

It's hard to brand Ocean's 13 as part of a trilogy more like part of a sequence films one after the other. Like the first of the series, Ocean's is set in Las Vegas and though returning to the scene of the crime can be unlucky for some for Clooney's frat-pack it proves just the catalyst to take down new big-shot Willie Banks (Al Pacino) after double crossing fellow casino-extraordinaire Reuben Tishkoff (Elliot Gould). Scorsese directs a film that follows the summer box-office three-quels and with Spidey, Shrek and Pirates already having broken the banks of its audiences Ocean's looks to do just that.

With the trio of Clooney, Pitt and Damon returning there is certainly enough A-List stars to keep interest, and with an excellent support-cast (including the "Amazing Yen") there's also familiarity to be found. In fact the almost-complete male cast (Roberts and Zeta-Jones are instantly written off in the first scene) keeps the plot fresh and focused, with Ellen Barkin providing the only "love-ish" interest in the film. It's easy to argue that with all this eye-candy on screen that the film is all about style and looks ... which is certainly very true. Nevertheless that isn't a flaw and with Soderbergh adding subtle "in-jokes" references to reality, you really feel that this film is as much as elegant as it is comedic. Actually one of the best scenes in the entire film involves Ocean (Clooney), Rusty (Pitt) and Oprah proving that with every con-man there is an emotional side! It's difficult to pigeon-hole Ocean's into any genre and though there aren't gun-ho action sequences (indeed the only shots fired are at Banks) the crew bluff, double-bluff and blag their way to a smart and likeable ending.

Many eyebrows were raised after the nonsensical second adventure of Danny Ocean, but its far better sequel (that's not too far off the 2001 original) is almost an apology note to the audience. Consequently it proves that not only returning to the scene of the crime can bring good luck but that all good things come (and usually end) in threes.

Other Brands Have Sex Appeal Too

Back when I was 11, I used to think that, thanks to J.J.B. Sports, the only sports brands that existed were Adidas, Nike and Reebok. Not true. Andy Murray sports Fred Perry, the Welsh rugby team play in Under Armor and Portsmouth F.C. wear Canterbury kits. The truth is that this completely fictional, holy trinity of brands has now been superseded by a new generation of sports clothing.

For me this became apparent in 2005. I was on my way to a tennis match when on Radio 2 came a program about the rise of the word "chav". Described by Urban Dictionary as "fag in one hand, jewellery in the other", they wonder around housing estates in "imitation Adidas tracksuits". This is further complemented on television shows like Channel 4's Shameless, and thanks to characters like Mickey Maguire the identity of the tracksuit being an an innocent staple of 1980's football, the tracksuit has become, with the right person, responsible for crimes against others as well as fashion.

Today the blandest one-piece on the market, that was the Adidas trademark, has been replaced by apparel from brands like Canterbury, Under Armour and Kukri. Homoerotic super skin-tight base layers are the main culprit. Seemingly a size too small, many sportsman wear them to keep warm and in contact sports for "bosh-protection'. Stemmed from rugby league where it was used so opponents couldn't grab on to shirts when making a tackle, base layers are becoming a "necessity" in all sports. No longer does your typical Premier League footballer embrace northern away trips to Newcastle on a winter night in just an away jersey.

European imports from Spain, Portugal, France, now must play in long sleeves, polar necks and base layers to keep warm. However some players just take it too far. In 2005 Ryan Giggs played in black tights to "protect his hamstrings" against Manchester City. This doesn't help re-enforce that football is a man's game but more of a "dress-up" by major brands on their own Barbie dolls, sorry, football players. However with this new generation of brands like Canterbury not having the arsenal, ahem, of clothing available to them some order has been restored.

Instead of the cliched university stereotype that if you have a Jack Will's top, you have Canterbury tracky b's, went to public school etc many others like footballers and hockey players alike are buying these clothes too. Whether rugby players like it or not.

The End As We Know It In Video Games

For me the ending of a game is something to cherish. Mainly because I rarely reach it. One harrowing experience of this was reached in the cartridge days of my N64 and Goldeneye where, despite the fact I [James Bond] am in a soviet tank, was always unable to stop Natalya escape with General Ouramov in his Russian Volvo. No matter what route I took, it always ended up with the same result and left me with the problem of how to further myself in the game (and rescue beloved Natalya).

To gain any “hints” from the film was out of the question as my mum didn’t let me see it at the cinema as I was not 12 at the time. Furthermore GPS had only just been invented for car travel and it certainly was not a standard feature equipped on Russian machinery in a Nintendo game. YouTube was still some geeky pipe dream and the way to find some virtual MultiMap for the game was looking to be my best bet in completing the level.

That is until I stumbled on two other solutions circa 1998. These were either to print off a walkthrough of the game or, if you were lucky enough, to find out some tap-in cheats (invincible + all weapons = win). These quick-fix scenarios are of much importance in an era when it just wasn’t possible to check a speed run of the level that had been uploaded onto YouTube. It left gamers, like myself, torn between two state of minds.

Those desperate to obtain a 100% completion rate of the game would often resort to the help of some Gameshark tomfoolery. Whilst anyone else who had at least a shred of credibility would find themselves trying to navigate a 30 page print out from the internet entitled “How to beat ...”. This is all to ensure that I finish where the developers wanted me to finish and not at the dead end of some street in Moscow stuck on secret agent mode.

My failure in completing a game has not just been restricted to Goldeneye but now, when YouTube, can immediately illuminate a player’s shortcomings then there really is no excuse not to near completing a game. So now am I no longer eternally searching for the iron boots in Zelda: Wind Waker nor am I being KO’d by an angry sun in an emulated copy of Super Mario Bros. 3.

As a result of YouTube being the prime source material to go too when stuck in a game is the carving of internet celebrities out of the dedicated, hardcore nerd types who operate their headquarters from inside their parent’s basement. They are like the unofficial sacred messiahs of gaming where their uploads are part of a lifestyle made out of other people’s ineptness in certain games.

Beauty And The Console

Pong was two lines and a square. Snake was one line and a square. Tetris was just a bunch of shapes. Graphics in gaming can be very deceptive. These three arcade classics would never be nominated for any Miss World beauty pageants yet contain a distinct elegance that is rarely on show in modern games. In these days of simplicity, no one cared about lip movement in cut scenes, whether their character could move more than two directions, they cared about how good the end product was.

Nowadays aestheitcs means to make the game look realistic to the point it could pass as some sort of alternate reality or parallel universe. However this isn’t why people were attracted to consoles in the first place. Realism didn’t exist in 8, 16, or even 32 bit dimensions so why is it such an important aspect of gaming? Especially now when if you were to take the same game and show it to someone on the Xbox 360 and PS3 and asked which was which, the results, I would wager, would be inconclusive.

Differences = minimal

The use of graphics as a marketing tool is therefore fast becoming superfluous. When it was used in the past to “wow” consumers in advertising campaigns, the price would always be in the small print. The Atari Jaguar was the first 64 bit console but at $250 it was hardly the sort of pocket money given to children by their parents. People weren’t ready for it when it in 1993. Nor were they in 1997 when the N64 was released to provide competition for the Playstation. A 32 bit console [Playstation] versus a 64 bit one. The Playstation outsold its competitor 3:1 and again typified that popularity wasn’t decided by just a number.

Arguably, better graphics is just natural evolution but it has got to the point where devolution is the next, most logical, step. Some may say this is counter-intuitive but for every pixel of dust the Wii (the most popular of the current-gen consoles) has swept under the covers, they have been replaced with new, exciting measures that has opened up entirely new markets. Physical involvement like prancing around trying to hit tennis balls in Wii Sports indicates that Nintendo have made a console that appeals to a completely new demographic.

Types of people who shun the opportunity of chainsawing heads in half or setting nuclear missiles off in online servers but would rather play more accessible, surreal, colourful, family-friendly titles. This has somewhat lead to a renaissance amongst gamers who want to break the cycle of playing through campaigns of first person shooter after first person shooter. The Gamecube (the Wii’s father) laid the foundations in this but titles like Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker quickly became ridiculed for their “cartoony” layout. But this was to be Nintendo’s last hiccup.

The Wii, with over 50 million sales worldwide, is now a pioneer of new technology - not just technology that has been refined to look slightly better than its predesccor. Nintendo has realised that its most successful games like Super Mario, Metroid, Zelda, were played not because they were the most beautiful to look at. They were played because they were fun, inventive, revolutionary. Great games are a reflection of its developers but great graphics are just a mirroring of current technology.

Link in 8 bit glory

First Person Shooters: The Evolution Of Weaponry

Guns, if there is anything consoles are not short of it is games with guns. From the low-cost budget approach of chainsaws in Doom to the physics engine demonstrating gravity gun of Half Life, developers have produced some iconic and imaginative pieces of hardware for players to get their hands on over the years. They are the lowest common denominator of all shooters but with smarter bosses and deadlier henchman the standard issue pistol just isn’t enough any more in a virtual firefight.

Holographic sights, grenade launcher attachments, heartbeat sensors, Infinity Ward’s Modern Warfare 2 has been guilty of fetishisizing gun accessories in order of becoming the most realistic shooter ever in history. It is as if firearms are a re-incarnation of Action Man dolls with owners choosing what outfit their piece of kit is going to be wearing day-to-day. Should I dress my assault rifle in the white camo suit or the desert war paint was the scenario I found myself asking the other day. The appearance of a weapon is so customizable that looks are rapidly becoming just as important as function on the fashion conscious streets of online gaming.

No two guns are identical and the infinite possibilities and combinations have made dying as original as ever (tactical nuke anyone?). Yet on previous consoles, the solution to evolving the standard arsenal of a secret agent had been to weave the ridiculous with the realistic. South Park’s outing on the N64 resulted in many “death by cow” instances from the trigger of one’s own cow launcher whilst the bouquet of roses in any wrestling game can have a very, ahem, prickly effect on their opponent.

Rare’s Perfect Dark is another example where the standard arsenal has been back-shelved (and framed in the shooting range) for a more futuristic collection to reflect the science fictioney story. Cloaking devices, shooting bullets through walls, there are some innovative items protagonist Joanna Dark can get her hands on but the “piece de resistance” is the laptop gun. Morphing from social-networking tool to deadly weapon at the click of a button is one thing but to detach it and let it mow down enemies from afar, on its own, made it a very worthy companion.

Such a companion that guns, in video gaming, can be man’s best friend. Today pimping up your piece has become the latest fashion because to everyone else it boasts the credentials of the player. Their unlocked achievements, their skill level, their rank (I’m a Brigadier General) characterize the player and his weapon of choice. For me though there is nothing better than a shotgun to the head of your best mate.

Avatar Film Review

Avatar is a film that tries to be too clever. Much like The Matrix, Avatar revolves around humans entering a world in virtual bodies (hence the 3D experience) in order to run tests on alien habitats and communicate with the locals. This is very much established in the first thirty minutes of the film but what is to follow in the next two hours is edited (to be more precise not edited) in a way that leaves the viewer waiting for the credits to roll. The effects of mass deforestation caused by an oafish army general are laid out whilst romance of the mudblood kind happens between wheelchair hero Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) and Neytiri (Zoe Saldana).

It is at this point in the review that one might assume the phrase “mass deforestation” means Al Gore had something to do with the production of Avatar. Not true. It is in fact James Cameron, who having already wasted vast amounts of money in the past on Titanic, directs what he would probably describe as an “intelligent interpretation” of Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth. Instead Avatar is a dumbed down version of Gore’s Oscar winning documentary as portrayed by “blow shit up” extraordinaire Colonel Miles Quadritch.

Avatar plays as a pieced together action/adventure story packaged with an environmental warning for the future advertisement. Cameron as a result of clumsily illustrating the effects of deforestation highlights the ineptness of the Army in the film (made to retreat by blue people with spears!?!?). The wrong parallels can certainly be made between the film and real life and whilst the script isn’t necessarily dreadful, the acting definitely is.

No matter how big the budget is of any film, if the acting is bad it remains bad and this is directly aimed at lead Sam Worthington. An ex-army man torn between helping scientists and his army compadres, Worthington’s inexperience tells when it is most needed after he finds romance. Maybe he should have taken acting lessons off of Chris Pine who knows a thing or two about anonymous leads starring in big blockbusters a la Star Trek.

One could argue that the plot and dialogue is irrelevant when the viewers can be wowed by all the colour and beauty of a mystical world in 3D. As a linguist myself I do marvel at the morphological and phonological features of this alien language. Yet this film, for all its hype and budget, fails to be an innovation in film making and is more like an extended recording of someone entering World Of Warcraft. A sight myself and not many other people want to see.